Tosha Peete Holliman
The Meaning of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE at it's BEST
On November 2010 I was about 5 months pregnant when we found out our baby would be born with Amniotic Band Syndrome. I had no clue what this was until then. Aidan was born with bilateral above the knee amputee and below the left elbow amputee. When I was pregnant I kept all of the pain and hurt inside. I broke down the day after we saw the Fetal Specialist. Only a few people knew about this and I mean a few. With all the hurt and pain inside I woke up every day and put a smile on my face. That’s all I could do to keep from crying daily. I went on like nothing was wrong. I prayed daily for God to perform a Miracle. God spoke one morning as I was preparing for work through a preacher on TBN. He was telling a testimony about a lady he knew that was pregnant and the doctors told her that something was wrong with the baby’s legs and that there was a tumor in the brain. I cannot remember detail for detail but I do remember him saying that the doctors gave her the option to legally abort (same option that was given to us) and she said absolutely not. Long story short she believed God for a miracle and it was so. Baby was born normal no tumor and legs fine.
After he finished telling that testimony he looked into the camera and said that someone watching God was going to perform 3 miracles; one we were about to see and 2 angelic. I felt the power of God that morning speaking directly at me. I knew God was going to do just what he said. He spoke again through someone else “that he was going to perform a miracle”. Monthly visits to the specialist weren’t good. Towards the end of my pregnancy there was more bad news. They said it was a spot on the baby’s brain and something was wrong with the heart. They wanted me to have a MRI and see a pediatric heart specialist. At that moment I said “NO” no more test. My statement was whatever is wrong with this baby nothing can be done while it’s inside me so just let me finish this out without any more bad news. As time got closer I didn’t even want to have the baby I felt as if I could just stay pregnant forever all because I didn’t want to face what was about to happen.
April 4, 2011 at 12:05am Aidan Jeremiah Holliman came into this world. After I delivered I glanced at the baby and asked as they were cleaning the baby up “What is it”, because we didn’t know what we were having. At that moment my world completely fell apart. That rude Neonatal ICU physician stated “I DON’T KNOW THE BABY PRESENT WITH GENTIAL OF A BOY AND GIRL!!” I’m like at this moment in shock. They tried to hand the baby to me and I turned away in tears. I immediately asked God what have you done to me, why did you allow this to happen, how can I raise a child that we don’t know if it’s a boy or girl and it’s already missing it’s limbs.
All I could hear in my head was that song God is able to do just what he said he would do, he’s going to reveal every promise to you, don’t give up on God cause he won’t give up on you HE’S ABLE, over and over in my head as I cried. No matter what my aunt and friend said it did not comfort me. I kept trying to block that song out of my head but couldn’t. I finally said to myself I got to go see my baby it’s my baby, no matter what’s missing that baby need me. I went to the NICU and as soon as I laid eyes on baby Holliman I cried. I asked the nurse do you know what it is “she said a boy, do you want to see for yourself” I said yes. So she let me change the diaper and there it was a penis. Now how can you not tell what it was? Immediately, the enemy had jumped all in my life. His first stop was my delivery, second me, third my husband, fourth my marriage, fifth my home, sixth my job, seventh my car and eighth my children. The enemy has meant for Aidan Jeremiah to be a curse but God said he is a BLESSING.
I was told I should have aborted him and it’s my fault because I shouldn’t have had him like that from someone who I didn’t think would ever say something like that. But yes I took the blame because this baby is apart of me and my husband. I would still question God as to why did he allow this to happen. All I would hear was it’s for my “GLORY”. Since Aidan’s birth my life has been a disaster. I’ve lost people and things. When I say people it’s about a couple or two but some much suffering is happening.
When I finally got the courage to go to church I received more hurt. I noticed people looking at my baby strange and people who would normally speak to me stopped. I guess they thought I have a disease and my baby was affected by it. But what I’ve learn is that people will be people. We don’t know what a person is going through inside or feeling but when you enter the church you are suppose to feel love and comfort. But I didn’t receive that. People would just walk on by like I didn’t exist and knowing I just had a baby. It was only a few who acknowledge us. After a few Sunday’s I didn’t want to return. I started feeling like I was the worst person in the world. I’ve learned if you want to know something asked. I rather for people to ask me what happen instead of assuming. No, I did not take any medicine and no it’s not genetic. It happened it has happen to several people but we as people live inside a so called perfect box that we cannot see outside of that box.
ABS affects 1 in 12,000 live births and its majority the cause of a lot of miscarriages. I encourage people to read up on it. Yes, Aidan’s physical appearance is different from us all but he is perfectly fine. People shouldn’t treat people differently because of a disability. I’ve read successful stories of people born like Aidan and has meet some too and they are doing well. He will not be treated differently from my other children and I will not allow anyone to speak negative over his life. He may appear to be disable but with God his is ABLE to do anything. There’s no DIS with God.
I’ve said all that to say that I’ve finally realized that all of this happened because God allowed it. He chose me and my husband to be Aidan’s parent’s for a reason. It’s up to us to accept it and I have. Aidan has changed my life, my way of thinking and has shown me what true love is. IT’S UNCONDITIONAL. It took God to give me a child like this for me to realize something’s that was in me that needed to come out. Yes, I’m suffering and going through but it’s not because of something I’ve done or did it’s because God has a higher work in me and Aidan has a work to do also. I’ve skipped around a lot in this letter but as of last night 11/8/11 I finally get it.
God answered my question as to why he allowed Aidan to be born like this. He has been saying it all along but I refused to accept it. He took me to Job 15:1-17:16-I will sum it up, Job friends gave their opinion on why he was suffering all of their opinions hurt Job but Job knew he didn’t do anything to cause his troubles. So what I got from all of that is that suffering doesn’t always come from sin. People always see suffering as wrong but it’s not. God’s teaching does not say that all suffering is from sin or punishment. So we have to be carefully of what or how we respond to people that’s going through suffering. In John 9, the Blind man was questioned “who sinned, this man or his parent’s and it was neither. It happened because God wanted to use him (Blind man) for his GLORY and that’s one thing God told me about my suffering his Glory. Then he took me to Jeremiah 1:4-19, focus scriptures were 4-10; God told Jeremiah before he was conceived he singled him out for his special work. The prophet (Jeremiah) had been set apart and sanctified for God to use in a peculiar way. That’s what he gave me. See I had forgot all about being called by God to do a great work we have to be set apart and we a peculiar people. Meaning DIFFERENT!!! WOW!!! Thank God for revelation.
I have been through a lot in my lil life but this right here has really knocked me down and renewing my way of thinking. I now know I cannot put all my trust in man no matter who it is. God is a jealous God! Even though I’m going through I still see the little small blessing that he is sending my way. I was told God get’s the Glory out of the situation and we get the blessing we when we obey. When you stand for what’s right the enemy doesn’t like it. So since I didn’t terminate my baby because of how he is the enemy has really tried to take me out. I’ve thought about suicide, I’m still fighting depression and asking God to cover my mind. My heart is almost completely healed from all the past hurt from people. I can look my enemies in the face and tell them I’m praying for you. I speak to them and most of all I LOVE THEM. I have been healed from sickness in the past but nothing knocked me completely down until the birth of my baby being born with missing limbs. Aidan is my JOY! I see God hands on him daily. He is full of love and he is appointed by God. God gave me his name for a reason before I knew I was having a boy.
Friends and family, I asked that you treat people like you want to be treated. Because they look different on the outside don’t ignore them that’s the worst thing you can do. Show love!! Be there for them with comfort and encouragement. If they receive it or not still do your part SHOW LOVE! Continue to pray that I grow stronger and that God give me strength to carry out this task that he has set before me as Aidan’s mom. We have a long road ahead and I know that the enemy is not through. I skipped through a lot but I know God had me to write this for a reason.
I Thank God, for Blessing me with such wonderful family and friends, who have truly been there for me since Aidan’s birth. It has meant a lot. Words cannot say how much your love and gratitude mean. You know who you are.